A typical morning

I thought I would share with you a typical morning in the Joynson-Robbins household (I know you don't care but I will anyway)

7.00am - Alarm sounds - which is a very loud bell, despite the shop assistants assurance that "we don't sell bell alarms anymore Sir", it is like waking up in a fire station without the men. At this point Paul will usually still be snoring, but just once in a while may have gone on an early shift, lets assume that he hasn't

7.05am - Fall over cats that are lined up for feeding behind bedroom door and stumble downstairs blearily to put out food

7.06am - sigh heavily at sight of last nights washing up that I gleefully "will do tomorrow morning!"

7.10am - return to bathroom and shave, shower etc (Bored yet???)

7.40am - Make breakfast and switch on the TV

7.41am - Squeal in horror (GMTV followed by Lorraine Kelly ...ooooh noooo I think you look gorrrrgeooouusss) start to flick through channels desperately until I come across this little beauty of a kids programme on Disney Channel (If you have Sky - 611, if you have NTL - sucker, if you have neither - get a life), ... anyway what was I saying, oh yes this little beauty .. "That's so Raven!"

Well, I howled at this the first time, the main heroine who is played by Raven and who's character is called....wait for it.... Raven(!) is psychic. In the middle of a scene her eyes suddenly go blank, swish round like a washing machine on spin and then the camera cuts in through her pupils and you see, not brains (no surprise there) but a premonition. With some of the most stunning overacting I have seen in years this is not one to be missed and actually is quite an amusing programme, sure beats the hell out of LK Today talking about babies and tampons anyway.

Oh yes and after that

8.30am - Leave for work.

Just thought you may want to know......

XX

Friday Night

Well gang, those of you that are local may be attending Shez's party on Friday night (Beachwear apparently), I do hope that sufficient areas of bodies will be clothed and there will be no "spiders legs" popping out of swimsuits.......

Will give yous all a full report next week if there is anything noteworthy going on - in the meantime lets hope Eugene stays clothed in Big Brother.....that T-Shirt tan, flabby tummy, small dick and ginger pubes should never be shown on television (not without a health and safety warning anyway)

Will probably catch up prior to the party tomoz in the meantime catch up with the delight that is Eugene and Maxwell shirtless

As Betty from Coronation Street would say "Yes lovey.... Hotpot??"

We're Back and We speaka da lingo

Back from Sunny Espagna, thank you yes I am a little brown (just a little) and we had a fabulous time. Now, as Gloria has so ably demonstrated on the comments to the posts below, herself, myself, the husband and Nelly have all been on a "Captain Codswallops' Learn Yourself Spanglais in Five Minutes or your 3 Euros Back - honest Guv'nor" language course. I will share some of the finer points of this musical, traditional Hispanic tongue.

"El Lightio" - IIlumination
"El Roastio" - Hot & Stuffy
"El Scorchio" - Hot & Sunny
"El Little-Wankersio" - Spanish Teenagers
"El Shaggio" - It's too hot anyway
"El Moustachio" - Mature Spanish Woman
"El Camp & Quite Sexio" - Young Spanish Man
"El Greasio" - Mature Spanish Man
"El Annoying Slaggio" - Young Spanish Woman
"El Cockio" - Collection of Young Spanish Men
"El Pushandshovio" - Spanish Queue
"El Palepissedtwatio" - Young English Man
"El Palepissedtattooedtwatio" - Chav
"El Palepissedtattooedslaggio" - Chavette

Got the hang of it? Isn't it fun - The good Cap'n (Ahaa Matey!) Codswallop says that you can adapt the language as you go along. The secret to communicating in Spanglais is of course volume and voluminous gestures with the hand... try it and see (You've never had so much fun - well not clothed anyway....)

All for now XX

Y Viva Espana

"Oh tonight we're off to sunny Spain...Y Viva Espana...."

See you all in a weeks time - missing you already

XX

Well I never did!

Explain what CAOHKB was did I - Easy "Cum all over his keyboard" Crass and vile I know but so funny...(!)

In which I explain where I have been, be as happy as a sandbag and other stuff!

Well hope you enjoyed the Anthony picture-fest by special request! If not, then sorry but please read on (that's it for Ant at the mo). I have had a very busy week and am currently writing my MA level assignment for Uni, as well as working six days this week and possibly taking on a part time job (more of that tomorrow!)

The old happy as a sandbag was a roaring succ... well, actually pretty average by all accounts night. I say by all accounts because I didn't end up going for reasons I won't share (well not until I have had a few glasses of El Vino anyway). Speaking of which, HURRAH!! (As in Famous Five - not HURRAY you working class louts), the husband and I, Gloria & Nelly and some of my family are going on a mass invasion of Benidorm for a week next week, for Sun, Sea, Sand & Sangria (nothing else we are married you know) so sorry Chaps and Chappesses no posts from next Fri for a week. I am sure you can all keep yourselves entertained though..think of the muscles you will develop in your forearm (Ha Ha Ha Ha) and I will bring you all back a straw donkey and some fags..

Now I know this is sad and not at all trendy, but I am going to come out of the closet (again!) and admit that actually I have always been in love with Leonardo DiCaprio's character Jack Dawson from the Titanic Movie. Well, I hear you ask "Why on earth are you destroying what little street cred you have by admitting that Stroponstoke?" the answer is that for lack of something more productive to do whilst waiting for a meeting to start at work, we had a heated debate about who we would most like to be rescued by......and that was mine, with the caveat ("Condition" - Gloria!) that he shags me senseless in that old car (or anywhere) after. Well as far as I am concerned it beats the hell out of Lara Croft or Sylvester Stallone in "Rambo" (you know who you are!!). I would however like to make it clear that it is this character NOT Mr DiCaprio himself though.. Anyone else got anyone they would like to be rescued by? Feel free to ignore and not comment.

Your lucky traffic warning sign today is Deer Crossing and your lucky buck toothed, Ginger (with a hard 'G') scouse presenter is Cilla Black oh chuck, I love our Cilla (see her gallery here - go on you know you want to..)oh we had a lorra lorra laffs, traaa chuck , traaaaa. XXX

Anthony shows us what is between his legs..

(Especially for ME!) What a big weapon!

(Especially for Wings!) ooohhh Anthony..work it!

Yes I am still alive I think....

Like Abi Titmuss' tats I am still here but have been very busy (I'm a very busy person you know). I will update soon - thanks for all (well some) of your comments and I will post a few Anthony pictures for Wings to CAOMKB with (actually CAOHKB)....wan't to know what that means - well you will have to wait and see won't you - unless smartarse Gloria knows already.

See you all tonight behind the bikesheds X

Strange...but sadly true

Oh, was I right when I said it was going to be a strange week. As the clouds moved across my crystal balls (now there's a good drag name!) I saw it reflected in the runes - either that or it was a reflection of the strange metrosexual guy next door who was definitely checking my arse out the other day when I turned round from dealing death to a weed in the front drive, judging by how much he jumped and how guilty he looked - hmm anyway back to the runes....

The Stoke on Trent Rep Theatre are putting on a production of Happy as a Sandbag with half of the door takings (around £600.00) going to my-charitable-workplace-who's-name-I-wont-mention, so we are all under an obligation to attend. Woo-hoo - a night singing songs from World War II, nevertheless I am sure it will be erm.. different.

I have some Court Shoes I nicked from Shez years ago (unworn I hasten to add!) and a plain white blouse, all I need now is one of Ruby's wigs and VOILA!! Dame Vera Lynn here we come.....

Now all I need to do is fit the sandbags in the back of the car, stick the guns through the side window and we are away ....... powdered eggs anyone????!!!!!!

Not that you are interested, but I will keep you all informed of how it goes anyway!

Kissy kissy, Moi XX

Hair-atage

Groan - Yes I know but it is Sunday and I couldn't think of anything else..

Just a quick update to say like Wings said the other week in an attempt to look suntanned I have gone blond(e)!

Still using the fake tan as well though.

Spain here we come...well in 2 weeks anyway. All for now - more posts later in the week as it promises to be a strange week (more later)

So for now. it's goodbye from him and goodbye from me. Goodbye!

Of Birthdays, TimeWarps & Big Brother

It's my birthday today - happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me-eee, happy birthday to me!

Went to see QB's new house of Bucknall New Road last night - it is a 1960's timewarp untouched by the fingers of man for years (bit like QB really - mwahhhh!), actually is very nice considering how cheap it was - am very impressed. Of course it could only be more convenient for the club and the scene were it actually in the back yard of the Three Tuns.....

On quite another subject, am quite enjoying BB this year, where the contestants are more interesting than last years psycho lot - please British Public don't vote out Scary Mary she is so entertaining "I have been abducted by aliens seven times in the last year" (presumably she means outer space beings rather than foreign people but who knows....

Instead, evict Craig with his Man Boobs & Blebby thing below his lip, and he won't get his kit off apparently - my message to him is - "Darling - no one wants to see you with nothing on anyway so stop stressing about it - and you ain't ever going to be shagging Anthony...."

See wings has been harrassing ASDA for some reason - "Now come along wid me likkle kiddies - that won't scan you know - listen to your Antie Treeeeshaa!!"

Traaaaaa Chucks - It's Cilla 'ere X

More Anthony Please Big Brother.... 

10 things I would like to do before I err.. get much older

Despite ruffling B4's (Butch Bi Boi Ben) feathers slightly over the Basher Cheryl thing (sorry darling) the limo idea got me thinking about ten things I would like to do before a "certain significant age which is actually quite a long way away yet but nevertheless..."

The things I came up with are as follows, in no particular order other than how they came to me, some fun, some more serious things:

1. Get pissed on champagne in the back of a limo like Basher et al. and ride around Stoke (Sorry not the most glamourous place but it is not the same if it's not on home turf)
   
2. Smack a custard pie in someone's face and rub it in (anyone - it is the pie not the person who is significant)
   
3. Pull down a scallies trackie bottoms (NOT the one across the road from us) just to.. you know.. see!!
   
4. Appear on stage in a production, (luvvie!) playing Lizzie Birdsworth in Prisoner Cell Block H.
   
5. Bath in a hot mud bath at a volcanic resort.
   
6. See the sunset at Uluru (Ayers Rock)
   
7. Something too rude to tell you lot about
   
8. Do drag - just once
   
9. Ride Jessica Fletcher's bike around Cabot Cove
   
10. Have a six pack tummy so I can just wear a pink fluffy Jock strap & cowboy hat at Pride in August.

OMG - once I had got going it was difficult to stop. "Jeeves - get me the name of a limo hire company now....."

xx

ps. only joking Ben - please don't be offended there is only you that ever comments!! (Although bizarrely more than 10 people a day regularly read this...)